It wasn’t the first time I had been called Honey by a waitress, but it was the one that got me to really think about the experience. I think what did it was the age of the waitress—she must have been all of 17. My prior experience with being honeyed had mostly been on the part of considerably older women. I realized that I had unthinkingly stereotyped waitresses who would say things like, “I’ll get those eggs and grits right out to ya, Hon,” as being fiftyish, give or take a decade or so. Their hair was mostly in the blond category and done up in a cotton candy type of do and their eyebrows mostly plucked and often stenciled on— the style my kids learned from their aunt to call “eye-briars.” Flo (she of the “Kiss my grits!” fame) on the ’70s sit-com Mel’s Diner was representative of the stereotype I held. Throughout my early adulthood, I saw those waitresses and their endearments as having a somewhat maternal character. Now, here I was, pulling fifty[1] myself, and being honeyed by a girl younger than my own children. I began to think about where the behavior comes from.
Is it part of the waitress genetic code, something innate that allows a person to comfortably use terms of endearment with perfect strangers? Or, is it part of the training for wait staff in diners and cafes? “Now when you’re refilling the coffee cup, be sure to say, ‘There you go. Anything else for you, Hon?’”
If it’s part of the training, is the purpose to get tips? I guess that would make sense, insofar as establishing a friendly relationship with customers is part and parcel of the good service that is more likely to result in good tips. On the other hand, I doubt the behavior is intentionally mercenary. For one thing, it seems the very wait staff who could use a boost to their rating are the least likely to engage in an extra little speech act to enhance their approval.
Some professions shun personal endearments. Realtors, for instance, are told to avoid overly familiar forms of address and nicknames when dealing with customers because such behavior is considered unprofessional. Employee handbooks warn against using terms of endearment for the risk they carry of sexual harassment. As used by wait staff in contact with diners, however, I don’t think sexual harassment is either intended by the waiters or experienced by the customers.
When you have to speak to total strangers in the course of performing a service that doesn’t require any real personal intimacy, you can either stick with formal address, such as, Sir, Mister, Madam, Ma’am, Miss, The Gentleman, The Lady, or you can use less formal, more familiar terms like Honey and its variants: Hon, Sweetie, or Sugar.
I wonder if there is anything selective about it. Does a waitress who hons me hon everyone else. If not, what is the decision tree like? Do age, gender, class, or other obvious demographic variables intrude so that a waitress will hon one and not another?
Of course, waitresses are not the only ones who will hon you. For instance, a clerk here and there in convenience stores will part with a Hon upon giving change for a cup of coffee and a doughnut. Maybe it’s a food thing, a way to socialize the giving of something to eat, making it less a transaction and somehow more personal. On the other hand, I know it’s not restricted to foodservice exclusively, for I’ve heard nurses dispense honey along with their meds.
It doesn’t seem to be regional either, although I suspect the rate of honeying may peak in the Deep South. I’ve been honeyed from Florida to Alaska, and New York to California. Nor do rural/urban distinctions seem to matter, although, here again, I suspect a person is more likely to get honeyed in a small town than in a large city. However, I was with my wife at Stage Deli in New York City and the waitress made my pastrami sandwich complete by serving it up with an, albeit rather gruffly delivered, “Here you go, Hon.”
Seldom will a male impart a Honey or a Sweetie, but some will. I had a relative, who as an older, quite southern gentleman would fondly call most everyone Sugar, usually as a greeting along the lines of, “Come here, Sugar, so I can hug your neck.” I don’t think he ever worked as a waiter, but if he did, I am quite sure he would call his customers Sugar. Males given to calling total strangers by nicknames usually go for a more masculinized moniker such as Sport, Champ, Slugger, Big Guy, or the like. But I don’t think these carry the same sentiment as a Hon from the waitress topping off the coffee cups at the Waffle House.
One time I encountered a waiter at Denny’s named Alphonse who favored Young Man, and Young Lady, which he used with preference for the elder members of our group. Later in the meal, he referred to one of our group as Buddy. The gentleman being addressed happened to be the eldest of our party and was British and quite a cut-up himself, so he pretended not to know what Alphonse meant by Buddy and made as if he thought he had said Butty–all in fun with Alphonse.
I brought up my interest in terms of address used by wait staff and one of our party told of hearing a waitress in Muskogee, Oklahoma, address a man at another table as Meanness. Another of my lunch companions said she had not ever heard that before. She wondered if it was a local expression, and I told her that it probably just meant the waitress was acquainted with the guy and was making a comment on his character or reputation (most likely in jest, but who knows?). Two of our party that day were British and said they were accustomed to Mate as a form of address in comparable situations.
Sociolinguists explain the use of pet names and nicknames as ways of signaling something about the relative status of people. When a person with higher standing uses a nickname to address one with lower standing, the nickname has the effect of diminishing the person being addressed. In this context, the nickname does not convey respect, rather it gives the impression that the speaker considers himself or herself to be the superior of the one being so addressed. Paradoxically, when the speaker is the one with lower standing, the use of a nickname usually has the effect of decreasing the social distance. It becomes a way of establishing solidarity with the other person, using familiarity to bridge the distance. This may be involved in some cases of waitresses honeying their customers.
Once my wife and I ate at a Mexican restaurant and were served by a veritable virtuoso of waitress endearments. She led off by addressing us as “Guys” when she took our order. When she brought our food to us, she said, “Okay, Kids,” then as she put my wife’s plate in front of her, said, “Here you go, my Dear,” and to me, “and here’s yours, Sir,” Then as she walked away, it was, “Enjoy your meals, Guys.” Practically in one breath she had hit us with Kids, my Dear, Sir, and Guys. Checking on us a bit later, she honeyed my wife. I overheard her at tables near ours also dispensing a Honey and even a Darling. Whether it is an art or science, she was clearly a master of the endearing address.
On balance, I conclude that to use endearments with strangers is probably just in some people and not in others, but also it seems that serving food is a likely context for folks to be called honey or something similar. At any rate, I don’t mind. I’ll take my meatloaf dinner with a side of honey any time.
I’ll close by quoting a passage from Pete Hamill’s essay, “The Lost City,” in his book, Piecework. Here’s Hamill:
In that city, the taxicabs were all Checkers … there were apartments with three bedrooms and views of the river…. You hurried across the street and your girl was waiting for you under the Biltmore clock, with snow melting in her hair…. Shop doors weren’t locked in the daytime. Bus drivers still made change. All over town, cops walked the beat and everyone knew their names…. Waitresses called you honey. You slept with windows open to the summer night.
So, there you go. Sleep well, Hon.
[1] I first wrote this more than 10 years ago. So now I suppose I would have to use a much longer rope.
Garry Breland 